Holy crap! It's now officially too close to call who the bigger train wreck is: the Miami Heat or Charlie Sheen. Some might call the race a "dead heat". Thank you, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress. Here's a suggestion for their 2010-2011 highlight video:

Chris Bosh is very quickly turning into that random Star Trek extra in a red shirt who was always the first one killed. I haven't seen anyone that lost since Tom Hanks in Castaway.

And speaking of Castaway, wouldn't it just frost your ass to work that hard to get off that island, come home, and find the woman you love- you're sole purpose for surviving all that chaos- shacked up with another man? I mean I would have totally Sheen'd that ass.

I refuse to follow Charlie Sheen on twitter, but I'll use as many references as possible because currently there is no better euphemism for "bat shit crazy" right now.

But I digress...

Hey look! It's March and Carlos Beltran has a knee injury! Looks like we won't have worry about taking a season ending third strike anytime soon. What a load off my shoulders.

NFL owners and players are still hashing their differences over a new collective bargaining agreement. Apparently the owners are still hung up on showing the players their books. I just don't get this. Maybe I'm a bit too simple, but I'm pretty sure if I owned a business awash in cash as the NFL is, and I looked at my business partner one day and said "Hey, you know what, I need an extra billion dollars because I'm having trouble making ends meet" they'd ask for some clarification. And you know what, I'd give it to him. Of course, that is, if I wasn't just blowing smoke up the NFLPA's ass and trying to tell them it's cloudy.

Jim Tressel. Do I need to say anything else? In college sports, as we all play this smoke and mirrors game trying to pretend it's not a big business, is there anyone who you just don't believe more than this guy? I mean, the sweater vests tell me enough about how much I should trust him. Sweater vests rank right up there with bowties as far as affecting my trust factor. For once I wish a sports figure who got caught with their pants down would just come out and say "you know what? I'm an ass. I was wrong. I'll go to my room without supper".

And as far as the school volunteering to suspend him for such challenging opponents as Akron and Toledo, if you really wanted the public to take you seriously you'd lay out a punishment that matters like suspending him for the game against "The U". Go to his room without supper? That's like Tressel taking a crowbar to his dad's new Mercedes and the parents putting the crowbar in a "timeout" for 5 minutes.